Overly Pathetic Craigslist Post #1

March 29, 2009

A friend of mine was joking about writing a personals post pregnant with insecurity and dripping with ripe looserdom. I decided to go for it and post it on Craigslist. Then I decided to put it here. Enjoy:

Inveterate Looser Seeks Needy Drama Queen (25) – Queens

I am a weak willed, insecure janitor seeking a deeply co-dependent woman prone to moments of paranoia and plate throwing. I am 6’2 and 200 pounds, and though I have noticed a creeping widening around my midsection I can’t give up fried cheese cake and my addiction to cartoons. I wish I could find my Nietzchian “why” to overcome any “how” but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I have enough fashion sense to know mine is terrible, but not enough to do anything about it. People tell me that stripes don’t go along with plaid, but it really looks fine to me. For reasons beyond my fathoming, my assiduous efforts at hygiene have been unable to remove the subtle smell of lindberger cheese.

I am looking for an insecure mommy type who will tuck me into bed and sing mister happy to sleep, but not too loudly because my mom sleeps in the next room.

My last girlfriend, who boisterously dumped me five years ago at an Olive Garden, was an un-medicated bipolar subway dweller; I am hoping for something marginally better. If you hate yourself as much as I do, which I admit is quite a lot, you should contact me. Over dinner we will look nervously at our plates while stuttering ourselves into random bursts of conversation. If we are able to avoid our gigantic pulsating insecurities, I am sure we will engage in awkward, elbowy sex. I hope that you won’t mind me grunting my ex’s name in the heat of passion.


Ask and Ye Shall Find…

March 26, 2009

I love living in the future, so much cool stuff happens. Perusing the internet late at night, as I am prone to do, I came across what may be (for now) the best phone friendly answer service ever. It’s called ChaCha (800-2chacha / 800 2242242 / chacha.com). You call, ask your question (like with your voice), and it’s sent to an army of answerers,  so a real, live human hears your message and then texts you back an response. Best of all, totally free.

My first question, because I’m a real jerk, was “what is the meaning of life?” I was really hoping some shameless nerd would briskly text back “42.” This was not the case. A few minutes later (probably because of the ungodly hour) I recieved the following text: “You just can’t do a websearch for love, truth, or God’s existence. It takes soul searching. Be kind and keep asking ChaCha.” Touché my unknown responder.

For my second question I chose to continue this existential line of query:

“What’s the best way to search my soul?”

I wondered if I’d get the same person, would they would catch on to my little game and send me the sharp rebuke I so richly deserved? As the minutes ticked by I pondered if the mystery (wo)man on the other end was actually *required* to answer my question. Perhaps they may just send it to The Dustbin of Inane Queries assuming that I’m some drunk philosophy undergrad trying to prove a bet.

My Question was answered twelve minutes later. Yes, very late indeed, but before you write off this service it was a) 2am and b) a largely BS question unless you’re asking a Monk, Rabbi, Priest, Yogi, etc. Perhaps my responder shuffled off my query off to the bottom of the pile (they to get paid per question time = money). I was delighted with my answer,  “the most important thing you can do is doubt everything. Search for answers based on facts, not myths or suppositions.” Of course you can’t whittle down the whole of human philosophy to a brief text, but you must admit, it’s pretty damn spot on.

Now I can no longer fret when I’m with a friend and a piece of mutually-forgotten trivia emerges in the conversation. The answer is a simple phone call away! Did I forget to mention that it’s totally free (save for whatever your phone carrier charges you for an incoming text).

So go, ask away!

No, I have not been paid or endorced by chacha in any way 🙂