A friend of mine was joking about writing a personals post pregnant with insecurity and dripping with ripe looserdom. I decided to go for it and post it on Craigslist. Then I decided to put it here. Enjoy:
Inveterate Looser Seeks Needy Drama Queen (25) – Queens
I am a weak willed, insecure janitor seeking a deeply co-dependent woman prone to moments of paranoia and plate throwing. I am 6’2 and 200 pounds, and though I have noticed a creeping widening around my midsection I can’t give up fried cheese cake and my addiction to cartoons. I wish I could find my Nietzchian “why” to overcome any “how” but I don’t want to get my hopes up. I have enough fashion sense to know mine is terrible, but not enough to do anything about it. People tell me that stripes don’t go along with plaid, but it really looks fine to me. For reasons beyond my fathoming, my assiduous efforts at hygiene have been unable to remove the subtle smell of lindberger cheese.
I am looking for an insecure mommy type who will tuck me into bed and sing mister happy to sleep, but not too loudly because my mom sleeps in the next room.
My last girlfriend, who boisterously dumped me five years ago at an Olive Garden, was an un-medicated bipolar subway dweller; I am hoping for something marginally better. If you hate yourself as much as I do, which I admit is quite a lot, you should contact me. Over dinner we will look nervously at our plates while stuttering ourselves into random bursts of conversation. If we are able to avoid our gigantic pulsating insecurities, I am sure we will engage in awkward, elbowy sex. I hope that you won’t mind me grunting my ex’s name in the heat of passion.